You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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