I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
i think my tv is drunk
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Randomize
