Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
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