Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
My hand turned me down
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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