I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Randomize
