I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
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He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
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When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
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