dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Randomize
