I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
