I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
