She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Randomize
