I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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