can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
