Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
