I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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