so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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