I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
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