I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
