just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
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