Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
i think my cat just said my name.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
