I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
