wake up i wanna do it froggy style
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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