Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Randomize
