i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
