It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
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