So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
