i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
