I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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