so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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