I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
