I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
