ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
