Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
