I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
