Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
