I feel great
I just peed on a car
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
