Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
