im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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