I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Randomize
