Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
