the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Randomize
