I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
