My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
