So drunk, too bad you don't want this
PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
