did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Randomize
