I wish I could teleport
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Randomize
