so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
