Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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