I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
