nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Randomize
