I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
