No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
You dont lie about slip and slides
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
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