Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
