i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Randomize
