two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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