I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I love you.
Bad choice
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
