An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
