the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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