It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
